


Valentine's Day Gift Exchange Merman AU

by imsorrycantrelate



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, M/M, john is a merman, merman au, think h20 merman kinda deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 11:31:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsorrycantrelate/pseuds/imsorrycantrelate
Summary: Dirk, after inspecting some photos of John, notices something unusual in them. Scales? After watching too many conspiracy youtube videos in a row, he decides to do his own personal investigative journalism and decides the best way to do this is to take John alone, to the school pool. At 2 in the morning.





	Valentine's Day Gift Exchange Merman AU

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for discord user garbageboy for a Dirkjohn valentine's gift exchange.

“Why are we here Dirk?” 

“Logical reasons, I’m sure,” he responded, as the two walked through a dark hallway. A set of keychains that definitely did not belong to Dirk, as it had genuinely adorable cat keychain on it, made music in his pocket. He swung the keychain around his finger, almost threw the damn thing across the hall and hit a locker with it, then put it back in his sweater pocket. “You wouldn’t understand.” 

“I don’t, I really don’t. Why did you decide to bring me along? You said Dave would be here.” 

“He was supposed to be, but he’s a coward who says it’s not worth getting arrested just to see the school campus in the dark,” Dirk lied. He had not told Dave at all and was sure if he had he would have gladly come along. Along with Rose. And Jade. And Jake. And Roxy. He didn’t need to deal with those shenanigans. That’s why he only told Jane about this matter. She had still disapproved, but at least she wouldn’t stop him. “I told everyone and you were the only one willing to show.” 

After a few more minutes of walking in silence, John spoke up again, “Why are we here?” Dirk didn’t answer. “Dirk, why are we here?” He still didn’t answer. “Did you leave weed in your locker?” 

“No. I don’t even do pot.” 

John looked over at him judgingly, “I’m starting to feel like you’ve been lying about a few things.” 

“Look, we’re here!” Dirk quickly changed the subject. Dirk took out the keys and opened the door, which seemed to lead into the administration office. 

“Hey, I don’t think we’re supposed to be here Dirk. Where’d you get those keys anyway?” 

“Roxy has a skeleton key for pretty much every place she needs to get into. What? Don’t ask me.” Dirk put them back into his pocket as he went into the office. The moon was their only guide in the room as Dirk started investigating the files and computers. He got onto one of the computers and started pressing all sorts of buttons. John tapped his foot to the rhythm of the key smashes.

John broke the several minutes of silence, hoping Dirk wouldn’t mind. “So what are you doing exactly?” 

Dirk jumped a little bit. He had gotten so focused he had forgotten John was there. His heart was racing...once again. “Fixing one of my grades.” 

“Dirk?! Isn’t that illegal?” John put his hand on Dirk’s shoulder. Dirk had a sudden impulse to flail back like a cat and escape but just sat there, his palms getting sweaty. He still couldn’t admit to himself why he had only brought John there, and he wasn’t going to. 

“Since when do we abide ourselves to man’s law?” said Dirk, trying to sound smart, but was just pissed his history teacher had given him a bad grade on his essay of how communism maybe, just maybe, would work. He changed his grade from an A- to an A+. “You want anything?” 

“Yeah I’ll take an uhhhh, let’s get out of here Dirk,” said John. “I’m surprised we haven’t tripped any alarms.” 

“You think this shithole can afford alarms? Also, I have two other things to do before we can leave.” Dirk got up and walked just a step faster than John, his thoughts starting to get mumbled around in his mind. 

“Hey, wait up! So why did you bring me here? Didn’t you say you needed help with something?” John had forgotten to ask any details about this trip since Dirk had just shown up at his door and said I need your help with something. John had gladly obliged, feeling he had been a little too excited to go somewhere alone with his best friend’s brother...no, no he wasn’t thinking about that at all. He had a worst case scenario and a best-case scenario in his mind already. Best case, they did what they needed to do and left holding hands...as friends. Worst case, well, he didn’t want to think of that. That would never happen though. 

“When did I say that? You don’t want to spend time with me, Jonathan Egbert?” He pretended to be offended but with no emotion behind his voice. His heart was blaring like music at a rave, his lies piling faster than cats around a catnip garden. “First, we have to find my locker because I left something in there. Secondly-” 

“You did leave weed in your locker!” 

“Be quiet John we’re not supposed to be here. Secondly, since we’re here anyway, we should explore a bit, break some rules, maybe check out the pool…” 

John swallowed his spit when he heard pool. He dug his hands farther into his sweater pockets. “Why the pool?”

“Are you saying you wouldn’t want to jump into the school pool half naked in the middle of the night? Don’t be a pussy, John.” Dirk was starting to run out of breath. His plan was in motion and he could barely believe it. He turned to his locker and put in the code of 1111. 

“Wow, how do you remember that password, Dirk?” 

“Every one of those ones represents an important event in my life,” he said as he shoved a paper bag into his sweater pocket. He made sure there was enough room for the keys and his phone too. “Oh, I’m getting thirsty, I’m going to get some water.” If anyone but John had been in there, they would have been able to tell this was Dirk’s version of stilted acting. Dirk ran over to the water fountain and took a breath. He wondered if this was going to work. “Why don’t you join me?” 

John nodded and followed, even more confused than before. He still stayed a step away from the water fountain. As Dirk leaned down and drank water, he kept on glancing at John. John stood still as rampant thoughts dwelled through his mind. He didn’t realize his face was matching his thoughts as he had a conversation with himself.

Dave told me Dirk was gay, thought John, but this isn’t like a gay thing is it? Is he giving me hints? Does he think I’m into him or something? Did Dave tell him I’m straight? Oh fuck if he touches or kisses me and water gets on me...wait why am I thinking of that? It’s never going to get that far...He snapped out of it for a second and stared at Dirk’s arms. John’s eyes quickly shifted to Dirk’s neck, then his back, then his legs, then his feet until John was staring straight through the floor. He blushed and coughed. 

Dirk didn’t notice any of it, as instead of drinking water from the water fountain he was looking in the other direction, letting the water rain down his cheek as he waited for John to drink some water too. And also to give himself some time to think over his plan.

Dirk stood up and John snapped out of it again. “You need...yeah?” He pointed at the water fountain. 

“I’m good thanks,” said John, staying a step back. 

Oh fuck he’s catching onto me, thought Dirk. Dirk took off his sweater, “Can you hold this?” as he put it in John’s arms. “It’s starting to get hot, isn’t it? We should go to the pool now.” 

“What? It’s like 2 in the morning in the winter.” 

“Sh, sh, John. I don’t abide by the laws of mammalian or general any animal’s body temperature and I say it’s getting hot.” He shook as goosebumps formed on him. 

“And if you’re so cold the pool is actually warm so.” Dirk wiped off the water that was trailing off his cheek and held John’s hand, trying his hardest to get the water onto him. John was too flustered to react, as this was only adding more evidence to his earlier thoughts. Dirk rubbed the water onto John’s pointer finger and once he moved it away he saw scales. Tiny, azure, turquoise, teal and sapphire all mixed together and shining. It was one of the most beautiful things Dirk had seen. 

John, with good reason, pushed him away. “Weren’t you going to go jump into the pool or something stupid like that?” He touched his face, noticing it was awfully warm, and then noticed his scales were showing. He hid his hand in his pocket. 

“Yes, something stupid like that. Why don’t you appreciate my intellect, John? Or my ability to have a constant internal fever? Feel these orthogonal hips John and you’ll find I’m dying in here,” he was stepping far ahead of him, heading towards the school pool. 

John’s thoughts were spiraling out of control. He looked at his hand again and saw the scales had disappeared. He breathed out a sigh of relief and walked into the building with the school’s pool. Dirk was doing a half-ass job of moving the mat that covered it and so John decided to help him. Dirk left him halfway through doing it to turn on the filtering systems and make sure he didn’t die by the time he got out of the pool. He couldn’t believe he had gotten this far. He wondered when he would just fuck up already. He felt for his phone. Shit. 

John was just trying his hardest to stay away from the puddles and away from the edge. He stared into the pool at his distorted reflection. An impulse within him wanted to step over into the water, but he managed to resist it. He also managed to notice when Dirk was trying to help that impulse by leaning on his back. 

“What are you waiting for John are you going to jump in?” 

“You were the one who wanted to go here?” 

“You’re going to be a pussy about this then? It’s just some water and some classic, old-fashioned rule breaking.” 

“It’s not like I brought swimming trunks.” 

“Sounds like a pussy way out of it,” Dirk pulled down his pants to reveal he was wearing swimming trunks that must have been from the SBAHJ merchandise page. Dirk kept his black tank top on but took off his sunglasses. John wasn’t used to seeing Dirk’s eyes, which were a hazel that in a certain light looked citrus orange. John was too distracted to move when Dirk threw his shirt at him and cannonballed into the water. He quickly evaded the water that was going to hit his face and had it fall onto his sweatshirt instead. Some stray droplets glittered over his face, making his eyes and face shine. 

Dirk was blubbering like a fish when he got back up to the surface, his hair now all flat and wet. It would be worth it, but he needed to take a second to mourn how he probably looked like a moron at the moment. 

John had even more of an impulse to jump into the pool, so he was leaning on the edge and smiling, “How’s the water?” 

“Cold. Deliciously cold.” He was shivering intensely. “You should join me. C’mon it's weird if only one of us is half-naked in a pool.” 

“You’re not even half naked I think you can handle yourself. I’ll just wait here, make sure the police don’t show up.” 

Dirk sunk back into the water, trying to figure out how he was going to do this. He saw the tiny scales on John’s face, sort of like freckles. Cute… “Can you put my phone by the pool in case I get a text? Don’t worry it has a waterproof case.” John did so, not before noticing the phone buzz. 

He flipped it over to see a text from Jane, “How is your little scheme going along, Dirk? Are you finally realizing this will all be for naught?” 

John put the phone to the side, his hand shaking a bit. Dirk kept on swimming around, trying his hardest to focus and figure out how to get John into the water. John was trying to control his breathing. He couldn’t believe he was right, Dirk was up to something. He had to get out of there...but he calmed down again. Dirk was just, having fun right? I shouldn’t...be weird about it, right? 

Dirk got up for air again and then swam up to John. He leaned on the edge of the pool and kicked his feet behind him. “Have you ever been to the beach John?” 

“No,” he said honestly, “Just lakes and rivers. They’re so far though I don’t go very often.” 

“I guess I haven’t either. There used to be one small creek by my house when I was younger, and there’s actually a pond near my house now. Got lucky when we moved. Dave and I run out and hide there sometimes, now Roxy and Rose know about it too. Nice place to stay and relax. You should stop by there too.” Dirk put his hand over John’s as if he was going to get out of the pool, but it just made John freeze. He didn’t think of his scales or anything like that, because Dirk was filling up his mind and vision. “You alright?” Even Dirk had forgotten about his ulterior motive as John lay there awestruck. 

“Yeah, I’m...I’m fine. Dirk, I think I need to tell you something,” he blurted out. Dirk cocked an eyebrow, making John feel even more embarrassed. He leaned forward, not towards the water this time, but Dirk. “I’m not…” He locked eyes with Dirk, as a thousand scenes of heartbreak and anger and locking of lips flew through his mind. Locking of lips? 

Suddenly that was the only thing that was on his mind. He dismissed most of his thoughts as intrusive, but when his eyes caught on Dirk’s lips again his heart fluttered and he suddenly couldn’t lie to himself anymore. “I’m not straight.” 

Dirk, who had expected John to admit he was a merman considering his entire hand was covered in iridescent scales, pushed off the edge of the pool, shivering again. 

“What?” 

“What? What did I say? I said I’m straight, I’m straight right? Straight…” 

Dirk was swimming around again. His face was ten times as warm as the rest of him at this point. Butterflies were in both of their stomachs. John didn’t even care when Dirk was splashing him with water so scales formed on his exposed skin. Eventually, Dirk took in a deep breath and decided to face this new surprising outcome. He went back to the edge of the pool. “So...you’re not straight?” 

John sighed, “I guess not.” 

“Hey, I’m glad we’re close enough friends that you can tell me. Have you told anyone else?” 

John looked off to the side, “No...I just realized it.” 

Dirk’s eyes widened. He did not expect this. He did not expect this at all. He might have dreamed it once, in a fever dream, okay maybe more than once, but not one part of him that this could happen on the plane of reality. 

Dirk squeezed John’s hands, making scales ride up them, but he was too focused on John’s shaking body. John was trying to steady his breathing. He leaned down towards Dirk and before he realized it Dirk was kissing him back and almost desperately trying to pull him into the water with him. Now neither of them were thinking of the repercussions of that, as the water was already splashing all over John. John managed to pull away from Dirk, then ran back so that he could cannonball into the pool. 

As Dirk wiped the chlorinated water from his eyes, he saw John under the water. Thousands of glittery scales lit up the pool like stars in the night sky. John did the stereotypical Ariel breath for air, getting his hair into his eyes. He was carrying his wet clothes and put them to the side of the pool. He had scales all over his body except for his face and had tiny fins on his neck. His fingers were webbed and Dirk could see a his massive tail under the water. He grinned, showing off his sharp fish teeth. Dirk was flustered, gay, and felt like he could lose his ability to swim could be lost at any minute. 

“Wait a minute...you weren’t acting weird cause you were being gay for me were you?” John said as he just realized it. 

Dirk was not prepared to be confronted. Blushing he said, “Only partially.” 

“Wait? Were you trying to figure out my secret? This whole time?” John didn’t seem that angry since he was laughing. 

“You’re a merman and you DIDN’T think I wanted to know that about you? I saw some pictures Dave took of you, examined them closely, then noticed you had weird shiny flecks of skin on some of the pictures, and then sometimes I noticed those when I hung out with you, one thing led to another and I was down a youtube rabbit hole learning about monsters and mermen.” 

John swam up to him and moved Dirk’s hair out of the way. “What were you doing looking at pictures of me?” He said with a wink and then laughed. 

“I just noticed okay!” He said back defensively. John was close enough that Dirk could push his chest on John’s and feel the rough white belly scales all over John’s stomach and chest. John’s tail wrapped around Dirk’s legs as he hugged him tighter. “Normally if anyone got this close to me I’d push away, but I guess you get an exception.” Dirk was trying to get as close as he could as the touch-starved gremlin he was.

“Just admit you’re a scalie and we can move on with our lives,” said John, smiling. 

“Hey. You kissed me and you weren’t a fish I didn’t know for SURE you were a fish man.”

“Are you saying this isn’t hot?” He pointed to his teeth. Dirk sighed and shook his head, beaten at his own game. John leaned in to kiss him on the neck as his tail’s grip tightened, but suddenly they heard a noise. 

“Dirk?” asked John, “Did we leave at 2 in the morning or get here at 2 in the morning? How long have we been here?” 

“Oh fuck oh shit, okay let’s,” Dirk jumped out of the pool and put his pants on his soaking self. He helped pull John out of the water as he flopped around for a good minute. “How long does it take you to transform back?” 

“Not very long but I have some control transforming back so I’ve just been waiting for you to look away for this last minute.”  
Dirk rolled his eyes and turned around as John quickly got into wet clothes, making scales travel up and down his spine. He was shivering relentlessly. 

“You want to borrow my sweater since yours is wet?” said Dirk, as he handed him his orange sweater. 

“That’s gay...wait. Yes.” He took Dirk’s sweater, then gave him a hug, then looked away and pretended that hadn’t happened. As they quickly speed walked their ways out of the school, Dirk decided to speak again. 

“So um...does this mean...wait so you’re not straight so does this mean that um, you’re not going to pretend to be straight? Does this mean we’re, we’re oh shit-” As 

Dirk’s was hit with realization, John held Dirk’s hand. Dirk could feel the tiny rough scales forming and unforming, a form of shivering on their own. Some parts of his hand were soft and smooth while others were rubbing up against his skin. This was exactly the scene John had deemed worst-case scenario in his head only hours before. 

John locked eyes with Dirk as they got out of the school and made their way back to their homes. He took a deep breath and held onto Dirk’s hand tighter. He leaned over and kissed him on the neck like he couldn’t before. Then he let go of Dirk’s hand for a second to look down on his own. It was covered in scales. 

“Dirk..?” He said earnestly.

“Yes?” He barely caught his breath. 

“I didn’t know one person’s hand could be so, so fucking sweaty.”


End file.
